The Harmony of Discord

Today on our way to an event, we noticed a retirement home, as they are called, with the charming name “The Arms of the Redeemer.” Now maybe you find that comforting, if you are a Christian. You could be looking for just such a place to die, or you might be looking for a place for one of your beloved parents or grandparents to spend the last days.

What if you are not a Christian? What if you are one of those poor souls who many Christians believe are going to hell? Maybe you are a Muslim or a Jew, maybe you are some other horrible pagan religion, or maybe you are an atheist. Perhaps you are just an addle-brained agnostic, too afraid to make the Occam razor-sharp choice between believing and not-believing.

But we were lucky, as we read through the Sunday paper this morning. We saw another advertisement in the business section, especially for non-Christians. Now, you can sign up for The Gates of Hell Retirement Home, opening soon in a trailer court near you!

Gates of Hell offers end of life care for the elderly, the infirm, and any other humans who find themselves doomed to die without the correct faith-papers to enter the Arms of the Redeemer.

Gates of Hell offers an evening bar with unlimited drinks, a casino for you to gamble away your life savings, and several available pleasurable experiences, including non-traditional services from our specially trained nurses, available at no additional cost. Gates of Hell also offers free lodging and meals for your family, as long as they post a certain level of betting per day in our casino.

Gates of Hell offers a complete line of incineration services after you pass away, including an option to have your ashes interred in our exclusive Oven of Eternal Burn.

Welcome to the Gates of Hell Retirement Home!

We can’t call it Christmas, or we are told we are offending someone from a religion that celebrates something other than Christmas. Indeed, Christmas may be anathema to some people’s religion. We can’t call it “the Holidays,” since the Christians view this as a denigration of Christmas, possibly even a capital offense. It’s similar to naming a stuffed bear Mohammad, this calling Christmas a Holiday. We ought to take the guy out and crucify him or something.

Therefore, I suggest a new name. With all due respect, we should call it Chrustmas. Chrustmas calls up smells of baking bread, slightly tense but enjoyable family times, and crunching through the snow. No one has to be offended in any religion.

May all your Chrustmasses be merry.